I could not have ever imagined the life I have now six years ago to this day, the truth is I couldn’t even imagine what a month, week, day or even what an hour ahead would look like. I was quite literally existing with each breath after our twin girls Elle and Meg were born dramatically and too soon for this world.
Six years ago in the thick of my despair I wished that the grim reaper would take me in my sleep, but like lightening quick flashes there would be a glimmer of a moment where I knew in my heart that I didn’t want to feel that way forever and that I wanted to be able ride out of the dark hole. Out of my darkest days I slowly climbed and from those very early days I have been on a pursuit of happiness to live my life honouring my souls desires and dreams.
Prior to losing the girls life was good but I was a serious over thinker and I often let doubt rein supreme in my life and hold me back from fully committing myself to many things. I let my thoughts, doubts and negativity limit me and what was possible for me and my happiness. Losing Elle and Meg turned my life and my way of thinking on it’s ear, it slapped me upside the head, spun me around and shook out the woman I have always wanted to be.
Today I’m living a life I could not have imagined six years ago, I don’t live doubting my moves and decisions anymore. Today I just say what the heck give it a go, what’s the worse that could happen….the worse has already happen. Today I’m surrounded by abundant love, the love of my earthbound children and a husband who rode out the most darkest of days together with me and with his own pain. Today I’m surrounded by abundant love from family and friends in my day to day life both on and off line. My love, my relationships, and friendships both personal and professional are deeper and more richer than I ever could have imagined six years ago.
I often question whether or not I would have come into the world of blogging had I not lost Elle and Meg, it’s because of their loss I ever started writing online in the first place. I wonder if I would have ever actualised a business dream and plan that sees me have incredible fun and adventures, with growing successes. Would life of continued to have been half lived, held back by my doubt? All I know is that the light in my life does not exist without darkness. It’s the contrast of the darkness that shows me how bittersweet and beautiful my life is, how blessed I am, how abundant with talent, knowledge and skill I am, how loved I am, how STRONG I am, how determined I am.
I thank all of you who have been a bystander to my journey both on and offline, some of you have been with me from the start and have known me forever, where others have learnt of my journey along the way in recent times. Either way whatever amount of time you’ve been with me the one thing that has not changed is the warmth and compassion you have shown me. Not only that, you support me with excitement and enthusiasm in all that I do and dream for. I seriously could not have imagined six years ago I would have such a huge cheer squad for my life.
My sweet Elle and Meg, your heavenly journey left tracks in my soul where dust will never settle. You are in my thoughts, heart and my words every day. I live life as I do now because of you and for you, for your younger earth side brothers and your sister. You my loves, are the reason I am the best me I can be today and everyday. I thank you both for all the love, compassion and opportunity you direct into my life and my journey, I could never have dreamt a life as blessed without you.
Rest in peace my sweet girls, I hope today you’re dancing in clouds and giggling with glee. Today we will be hunting for treasure and I know like every other year, there will be a sign that you are near.